Tortuga
by Makayla
Summary: EnvyxWrath- As if the annual trip to Tortuga wasn't bad enough, some revelations lead to Envy developing a rather extreme, murderous dislike towards anyone with the misfortune to be called Al. Yes this is a dodgy pirate AU...


For the glorious Flo, here it is, finally re-editted and posted!

Disclaimer: (Narrator:) If FMA belonged to Makayla the characters probably jump out of the pages to try and strangle her. Well, they'd probably be too exhausted to jump out of the pages to try and strangle her, but they would certainly harbour a strong desire to do so.

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Tortuga

_Ship's Log, December 24__th__, Year of Our Fuzzy Lord, 1745_

_The cabin definitely looks smaller since I had Silvertongue sell that mirror but what moron decided 6 foot was a good size for a mirror anyway? At least we managed to get 30 barrels of rum out of it._

_I'm sure the noble girl won't miss it anyway, she's probably dining with Davy Jones by now and hallelujah for that, God that girl could whine. Although, her jewellery collection did save me from having to do any Christmas shopping, Dante would not be pleased if I brought her nothing back. Bitch. It's not like I need her money anymore._

_I don't know why she still expects me to obey her every command, I've got plenty of money and I don't need to go back to her's if I need to lay low, I have other places. One day that old hag's going to go just a little too f_

"Captain!" Envy looked up from his log with an annoyed, downturned mouth and the sailor on the other side of his door rapped impatiently against its wood.

Envy rolled his eyes, wondering why someone always felt the need to give him an update about something every 5 minutes- especially this someone. "Come in Wrath," he sighed.

A young man- no older than sixteen summers- strode through the door. He was small for his age, with long jet black hair shorn off in places where knots had gotten large enough to get in the way. Braids randomly intercepted the dark locks; badly frayed and tied off with a piece of dirty string, they made him look like some kind of native. (Though of where exactly, Envy couldn't be sure.)

"We're approaching port- another 5 minutes and we'll be there." He pushed absentmindedly at one of the long sleeves of his shirt (which had probably once been white) as it fell past his elbow .

"Great, thanks, now piss off. You're taking up valuable air."

Wrath glared at him, "asshole," he declared before he turned on the heel of his boots (a pair on their deathbed) and stomped out of the room. Envy smirked, even after 4 years the brat was still so wonderfully easy to rile- though he'd given up trying to murder him now.

The Captain of the Chrysopoeia stood from his desk and wandered over to his new, smaller mirror and stared at his reflection.

Like Wrath's, his hair was black, but odd strands of blonde made it look almost green in the sunlight. It was what other's called ridiculously long and always tied in a high ponytail just below the black triangular hat stolen from a man who had once been an officer of the British Navy. The officer had also had a blue military jacket that Envy had taken a liking to and a rather nice pair of shoes.

Needless to say he hadn't had them for long.

Envy frowned, straightened his jacket and tightened his hair before sighing loudly and leaving the room.

"Captain!" The man at the wheel yelled as he climbed out on deck, "The wind has been really rather good today, wouldn't you say? Never thought we'd make it back here in time for Christmas." Even stripped to a thin vest sweat soaked the man's skin- Kimberley never had gotten used to the Caribbean heat.

"Shut up," Envy replied as he jogged up the stairs to take the wheel before turning to the crew staring out at the cliff face looming over them. "Listen up you scallywags! This is your captain speaking!"

Kimberley snickered, "If they don't know who you are by now I think there might be some problems."

Envy ignored him, "I don't want any of you getting killed! I want to be out of there by Friday morning and I don't want to have to piss around trying to replace half-a-dozen men. We leave here by ten and I don't want see any of your faces before then- God knows seeing them every day I'm on board this boat is bad enough!"

The crew didn't move. The gazed expectantly up at the captain who glared back. "Back to work you maggots! This ain't no time for laying about- we've a ship to dock!"

"Nice," Kimberley commented as men rushed back to their posts. "I liked the bit with the maggots, very nice."

"Oh go walk the plank." Envy replied with a roll of his eyes. Kimberley snickered again and watched Envy manoeuvre the ship through the dangerous rocks of Tortuga Bay.

"You're being awfully careful today Captain, don't you know these waters better than any- you did grow up here after all."

"Is there somewhere you needed to be?" Envy answered sweetly.

"Yes actually."

Envy laughed, "don't get your sails in a bunch, you'll be with your lover soon enough."

"You're just jealous I'm getting some and you're not."

"Between Greed and my hand I know which one I'd choose."

"He wouldn't want you back anyway."

"The feeling's mutual. LOWER THE ANCHOR!"

(f)(m)(a)

"If I have to face my family for over 24 hours then I'll be doing it on rum." Envy shouted over the din as they walked through the doors into The Little Man. He stepped to the side as a man was thrown head first into the wall behind him and sank to the floor.

Kimberley laughed, "And here I thought you just couldn't do without my company."

"No I'm just looking for a drink; unfortunately you seem to have followed me. Didn't I say I didn't want to see anyone again until Friday?"

"Then you should have gone somewhere else, I'm meeting Greed and then we're going back to the Devil's Nest."

"You mean that old ship isn't dead yet?"

"Greed likes it too much to let it die- you know what he's like about possessions."

Envy snorted, "Old Pointy-Teeth will never change. Why does he let you sail on my ship anyway?"

"Are you kidding? If I stayed on his ship one of us would be dead within the month."

Kimberley winced as a bottle flew past his face and smashed over another's head. "Ouch. Good to see this place is the same as ever."

"Hmm, unconscious drunks in the corner, dice on any table not missing a leg and a massive brawl straight through the centre, why do you we come here again?"

"They don't mind too much if we decide we want to make a bonfire on the table."

"Well what other use does a whore's bloomers have?"

"Ah, good times," Kimberley laughed.

"Envy, how long are you planning on being here this time?" A bolshy voiced asked from his armpit.

"As long as I like, you little brat. And I'm Captain to you."

"Only when we're on board," Wrath sneered, "and don't expect me to carry you home- last time you landed us both head first in a bloody puddle."

"How was I supposed to know it had rained? It's the Caribbean, it's not meant to rain."

Wrath rolled his eyes, "that wasn't the point."

"Oh cheer up! Here, have a mug on me." Envy finally flagged down a barman.

"What about me?" Kimberley smirked

"Get your boyfriend to do it, that's what they're there for. Where is the old bastard anyway?" Envy's hair whipped round dangerously as he quickly skimmed the room, "oh he's grinning. Big surprise there."

"Shut it." Kimberley growled before ordering.

"Hey that was my turn!" Envy exclaimed.

Kimberley smirked, "you'll have to be faster than that." The pirate happily scooped his drink off the table and swaggered in as straight a line as he could through the continuing tavern-brawl to his lover.

Envy glared after him before turning to relieve Wrath of his tankard and order their drinks.

"2 bottles of rum, mate."

"Start as you mean to go on?"

"Wrath you wound me- it's to share! Maybe then you'll finally be brave enough to go off for a roll in the hay with Little Miss Diane. God knows you've been keen on her for long enough."

"I have not!" Wrath replied hotly.

"Four years is a long time, the poor girl is probably as traumatised as you are that you haven't just whisked her off to a hay stack already. Women just aren't as good as men at taking sexual tension you know." Envy informed him readily; taking a fierce enjoyment in watching Wrath's face turned an unhealthy shade of scarlet.

"Shut up."

"Seriously, waiting so long is not healthy. Just march up to her and drag her away, girls love all that stuff."

"I haven't waited that long! We've already… Oh just shut up."

Envy coughed on the drink he'd just brought to his mouth, "You've done what?"

"None of your business."

"No, no, no, no, no, you don't just drop huge, stinking great cannonballs and walk off- when was this?"

Wrath mumbled something grudgingly.

"You what?" Envy replied, leaning closer to hear over the smashing of another table.

"Last year!"

"And you never told me?" Envy exclaimed.

"It was none of your business." The young man turned on his heel and stalked across the room where Kimberley had draped himself across Greed's lap. Envy scowled after him but quickly followed.

"Envy!" Greed exclaimed as he came closer, "ugly as ever I see."

Envy glared at him, "that's not what you used to say." He snapped back smartly.

"Yes, well you should know by now never to trust what a man says in bed."

"Piss off," Envy grumbled as he flopped onto a chair that neatly fell out from beneath him. Greed and Kimberley howled with laughter. "Why aren't you two off shagging like bunnies yet?" he demanded angrily as he grabbed the nearest chair.

"Hmm good question," Greed grinned as Kimberley whipped away tears from his eyes. "What do you say love? The Nest's missed ya'."

"Why did you ask sooner?" Kimberley grinned back.

"I was told it was impolite to proposition a man before he'd had a chance to get drunk enough to agree."

"Trust me love, after a month at sea I don't need to drink anything."

"I'll remember this for next time." Greed smirked.

Kimberley opened his mouth to continue the sickening discourse but Envy cut across him, "will you two just go already!"

"Touchy, touchy," Kimberley sing-songed, "I'll see you Friday then, Captain. Merry Christmas!"

"Piss off," Envy repeated with a vulgar gesture as the two slipped out of the seats and weaved back through the never-ending tavern brawl to the door. "Bloody mollies," Envy muttered.

"Yeah, because you can talk," Wrath replied, speaking for the first time since they'd sat down, "Looks like I'm not the only one keeping secrets around here."

"What?" Envy stared over at him.

"Greed?"

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"Nothing." Wrath crossed his arms and glared across the room.

"Are you pissed off that I didn't tell you?"

"No."

"You are!"

"So what if I am! You were annoyed I never told you about Diane!" He scowled.

"B-but that's different!" Envy spluttered.

"Oh so you mean you wouldn't be annoyed if I told you about Al as well then?"

"Al? What?"

Wrath ignored him, "I'm going home, thanks for the drink." He raised his mug to his astonished captain, downed its remaining contents and stamped out.

Envy stared after him, his eyes wide and blinking as he wondered who this 'Al' was and why he was feeling a sudden urge to hang his innards over the bow of his ship.

(f)(m)(a)

The bottle was empty. Envy turned it upside down and watched the last drops fall from its stunted neck. The room around him was quiet, the brawl was over leaving the unconscious and the dead in its wake. A heady scent of blood filled the room and the barman slowly cleaned his battered bar.

"Why d'ya do it Jack?" Envy called from his lonely seat.

"Do what, yer drunk?" Jack replied.

"Let everyone fuck up y' place."

""Cuz' I know they'll come back and clean it up tomorrow."

"It's gotta cost though."

Jack shrugged, "I spent my life at sea, mate, I've got enough to spare. It's not like I've a kid to leave it to."

"Heh, family's over-rated anyway." Envy declared as he stood.

"You say that every time, but your still coming back ain't y'." The barkeep replied.

"Only cuz Dante'd kill me if I never."

"How she gonna kill y' if y' never here?"

"Trust me; she'd get a crew,"

Jack laughed, "as y' say lad. But you know, one day that family of y'rn might not be there when y' get back."

Envy frowned. "I'll see you tomorrow Jack."

"It's Christmas tomorrow Envy."

"Exactly. Not like you ever close."

Jack shrugged, "as you want. Don't get mugged on y'r way home."

Envy snorted, "the only people out there are the ones who can't afford a room cuz they've spent all their money on booze and women!"

Jack laughed, "get out of my pub, y' pirate, I wanna go to bed."

"Yeah, yeah," Envy replied as he stumbled to the door, "night Jack!"

"Night, lad."

The air outside was cool, hardly a British winter, but a refreshing relief from the stuffy tavern. Envy hummed tunelessly as he stepped this way through the night to the old manor house you could just see peeking through the trees at the top of the hill.

The house was largest on the entire island with five bedrooms, a large kitchen, a decadent lounge, a dining room large enough for a banquet and a lavish ballroom which had last seen use when the town had been still been considered respectable.

Yet despite the promise of comfort Envy was reluctant to reach it for one very specific reason: Dante. Dante Light was possibly the richest widow this side of the Atlantic. Her husband had died years ago, leaving her with two daughters and no heir for her fortune until one of them married.

She was his mother-in-law.

She hated him.

Family reunions were not fun.

Envy sighed as he stopped in front of the door. He gave a small grimace as he studied its dark, familiar features and knocked purposely on the wood. There was silence, then muffled footsteps and finally a disgruntled face appeared in a small window. Envy waved cheerfully at Cornelius and waited for him to open the door.

"Good evening sir, Master Wrath informed us you might be late," the old man bowed.

"Did he? Hmph, good to see he knows his captain so well." Envy flounced into the house and straight into the lounge to put his feet up.

"Is there anything I can bring you sir?" Cornelius asked as he followed him through.

"Yeah, what booze have you got in this place?"

"The Lady Dante keeps many wines sir and also the finest whiskey…"

"Never rum. She does it just to spite me I'm sure!" Envy declared, "Hmm, wine then. The old hag would kill me if she knew I'd touched her whiskey."

"Right away sir." Envy watched the butler disappear before turning his head to look around the room with a sigh. Dante had redecorated again, with dark red floral print and some expensive ebony tables.

"Envy?" Envy turned to the soft voice which had entranced him only a decade earlier.

"Lust? You're still up."

"I was waiting for you. You are my husband after all."

"Lust, you know as well as I do that you only married me because you had no choice."

"You had a choice," the woman replied flippantly as she sat beside him. "Gluttony is well."

Envy stared at her for a second before turning away, "Has…Is he any better?"

"No."

"Oh."

"The doctor's say it's something to do with his mind- it just won't develop any further."

Envy nodded, "so our son's going to stay four-years-old for the rest of his life?"

"Yes."

He smiled quirkily, "I always knew you and I were never meant to be."

Lust laughed, "It's a good thing we don't have too see each other very often then isn't it."

"A very good thing."

"So did you and Wrath have some kind of fight?"

"Hmm?"

"Earlier he stormed straight upstairs and we haven't seen him since. Usually only you manage to put him in such a state for so long."

Envy shrugged, "it's a talent. Yeah we had a fight. He wasn't too impressed to find out I'd been sleeping around."

Lust frowned, "you mean he's only just found out? How did he miss it?"

"No, no. I'm not talking in general- I mean Greed."

Lust's brow evened and she slowly she smiled, "ahhh."

"Ahhh? You say that like you know something I don't."

"It just makes sense now is all."

"What makes sense? God, stop talking in riddles, woman!"

Lust smiled, "haven't you worked it out yet? Wrath's liked you for quite some time now."

"Oh yes, all the glares and sarcastic remarks gave that away so well." Envy replied sardonically, "so what? Just because he doesn't hate me doesn't explain why he's so mad."

"Hahaha, that's not what I meant. I meant, I think Wrath's a little sweet on you."

Envy's head whipped round to stare at her, "what?"

"Well it would make sense why he was so obsessed about joining your ship and why he's so angry about your relationship with Greed."

"I don't think I needed to know that."

"Sorry, love." Lust grinned

"Don't call me love." Envy replied absent-mindedly as he stared down at his feet. "But… Really?"

Lust shrugged, "who knows?"

"I really don't think I needed to know that."

Lust laughed, "Sloth would be devastated to know. I think she was hoping that her son might be able to have a semi-normal life."

"She just wants the grandkids… do you really think he might?"

"How should I know? I'm not a mind-reader." Lust paused and looked away, "would it be so bad if he did?" she continued softly.

"I do have to share a room with him tonight you know." Envy replied.

"Oh because you've never done that before."

Envy sighed, "you just like goading me don't you."

"It has its perks," Lust shrugged, "I'll see you in the morning." She stood and started to walk towards the door. "You can come in now Cornelius."

"O-of course!" the eavesdropping butler ran into the room with a bottle of wine in hand, "Please forgive me, my lady," he cried with a ridiculous amount of bowing, "I just didn't wish to interrupt your conversation, my lady."

Lust waved her hand dismissively, "It doesn't matter."

"Of course, my lady. Thank you, my lady," Cornelius replied, still bowing.

Envy rolled his eyes, "Oi, my wine Cornelius?"

"Ah forgive me Sir!" Cornelius rushed to finally deliver the bottle as Envy stood.

"Night Cornelius, see you tomorrow no doubt." Envy nonchalantly grasped the bottle neck in his fingers and swung it back and forth as he left for the room he was supposed to be sharing with Wrath.

(f)(m)(a)

Envy tried to be quiet.

He snuck into the room, gently closing the door behind him, and crept through the dark to his bed.

"Envy."

Envy cursed.

"Don't worry, I was already awake," Wrath replied. A match was struck and used to light the wick of a well-used candle, illuminating its striker's face. Through the murky night Envy could make out the rest of him, fully clothed and sitting on the edge of his own double bed.

Envy frowned, "don't you sleep?" he asked as he stepped round to the side of his bed opposite to Wrath.

"Of course I do."

"Then why aren't you sleeping now?"

Wrath turned away, "I… I wanted to tell you something."

Envy eyed warily, thinking this better not be a confession of love or something equally crazy, "what?"

"About Al…"

Envy perked up despite himself, "oh?"

"You wanted to know right?"

"What makes you think that?"

Wrath shrugged but said nothing.

"Well go on then."

"So I was right?" Wrath grinned.

"If you're not going to tell me I'm just going to go to bed." Envy did not appreciate being teased.

"It was a few months ago, I can't remember where we were but you'd buggered off with a couple of whores and everyone else had disappeared so I was on my own when he approached me.

"He was blond with a big smile and I remember thinking he probably had his pick of girls. He said I looked lonely and pushed a mug towards me. I almost told him to piss off, but he might have taken the drink away," Envy snorted. "I can stop there if you want." Wrath glared.

"No, no, go on." Envy urged.

The cabin boy scowled but continued, "He asked me why I was on my own so I told him everyone else had found more pleasurable company. He asked me why I hadn't joined in, I was pissed off about y…" there was a minor hesitation before Wrath quickly continued, "being left on my own, but I didn't that was any of his business so I told him I didn't feel like it. Then he asked me if I was a molly."

Envy laughed disbelievingly, "I bet you bit his head off!"

"I tried but he just laughed again. Said he didn't have a problem with mollies. How could he? He was one."

"Just like that? Envy asked in surprise.

Wrath nodded, "I was pretty shocked too, but he just said when you get as good as him in a fight you don't worry what people think about you.

"I think I told him to stop bragging and I must have challenged him to a fight because he told him he didn't want to fight with me, he wanted to sleep with me."

Envy choked on the expensive wine he had just brought to his mouth, "He…fuck…ing…what!"

"Yeah that was pretty much my reaction and guess what he did."

"Laughed?"

"Laughed," Wrath confirmed, "and then he kissed me."

Envy fought down a shock of jealousy; Wrath was his! He had followed him round like his own personal priest since he was old enough to walk; had demanded to join _his_ ship and nobody else's; had actually stowed away on his ship when his mother had refused to let him go. It was Envy who saved his ass every time they were attacked; who had sailed the ship 100 miles off course to get the shit some limes when he came down with scurvy; who had bought him his first drink and then held his hair back when he'd thrown it back up several hours later. This Al guy clearly needed to learn a lesson about touching other people's belongings.

"Envy?"

"What?" he snapped back, still thinking of ways in which this very valuable lesson could be learned.

"You look a little angry."

Envy stuttered, "w-well of course I'm angry! I'd be angry if he'd touched any of my crew without m- their permission."

Wrath grinned, "liar. Well if it makes you feel any better I liked it."

No, that did not make Envy feel any better.

"Liked it a lot in fact," Wrath continued, a small smile playing round his mouth, "so much that we didn't leave his room until midday."

"Midday?" how long was that? 12 hours? Over 12 hours? This guy had touched _his_ Wrath for over 12 hours?

"You know, I knew there was a reason you were called Envy, you just keep it well hidden don't you."

"Midday?" Envy repeated with a glare.

"He was very… creative," Wrath blushed.

"And you like creative?" Envy asked, capturing Wrath's gaze

"Very much so," Wrath replied, turning even redder.

Envy stood slowly and, like a cat stalking a mouse, stepped closer to his subordinate.

"Creative…" The captain breathed as he leaned closer, "I can do that."

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Narrator: You are such a review-whore

(Narrator is mysteriously hit over the head with a very large fountain pen)


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